A Few Simple Questions - Ask Yourselves the Five W’s
September 25, 2008 by Wildcardz
If you are new to swinging and looking for information the most common advice you will get from seasoned veterans as well as other newbies is talk, talk, talk. On occasion the advisor will give you a suggestion of one or two topics to discuss with your partner. However in our experience no two couples have suggested the same topics.
So what should there be a swinger checklist? “If you can answer these questions correctly then you can be a swinger.” The thought is almost laughable. Just like no two couples suggest the same discussion topics no two couples swing the same way or have the same guidelines. Because as Dossie and Catherine say in “The Ethical Slut” No two relationships are the same.
So I guess that puts us back to square one. Square? One? As I the typed the words it hit me. One of the first lessons we had about questions was the Five W’s from Sesame Street. If it works for our kids maybe it will work for us swingers too.
If I remember the lesson correctly the five W’s are Who?, What?, Where?, When?, and Why?. We’re not going to focus on these points in this order because in our opinion “Why?” is the most important question.
Why?
In our opinion you need to ask yourself this question and be able to answer it honestly even before you talk with your partner. Why do you want to get into the lifestyle? Is it to enhance the relationship you have with your partner? Is it to expand the sexual experience that you both have so you can better please each other? Whatever your reason it is yours and yours alone and no one can tell you it’s a bad reason as long as you and your partner have thought it out. After you’ve figured your own motivation for joining the lifestyle you need to know what your partner’s reason is. Are you both in it for the same reason? If not are you both comfortable with your partner’s rationale? We are not here to judge as long as you are both comfortable and have thought this question through then all we can do is respect that and wish you both luck.
What?
You now know what drives you into the lifestyle but what experiences do you want to have? What do you not want to do? This question is what unfortunately defines every couple in the lifestyle. Are you going to be full swap or soft swap? Will you play in the same room or separate rooms? Will there be bisexual play or all straight? Some of these questions stray into the other W’s but for now we’re going to group them into “What”. Are there some sexual acts that you want to keep strictly between you and not do to your swinging partners? These are all questions you should consider. (Are you writing down your answers and the answers of your partner? Maybe you should be.)
When?
How often do you plan on putting yourselves into play situations? Are you going to keep yourselves to strictly playing once a year while on vacation? Or do you plan on finding a club or play party every weekend that you have free? The answer to this question is mostly likely going to change based on your availability and that of your potential playmates but it’s one you need to ask yourselves now before you step through the swinging doors.
Where?
At first glance you’d think this question is pretty much a “no-brainer” once you have your answers to “When?” but have you considered how you are going to meet other swingers or where you’ll actually be doing your play. On-premise clubs and hotel takeovers pretty much come self sufficient but what if you want to become more familiar with your new friends then you possibly can in the few hours you have that the club is open. Maybe you want to create a profile on a swinger-friendly dating website or swingers forum. There are plenty of them out there. Find the one that focuses on your geographical location and post away. And what do you do if there aren’t any on-premise clubs or hotel takeovers in your area. Are you both comfortable with going to another couple’s house or maybe even hosting a couple at your own house? Maybe you’d rather enjoy your dates at a hotel so you can all relax in a less personal atmosphere.
Who?
Like “Where?” you’re probably thinking that the answer to this question is obvious if you’ve answered all of the previous questions but there are still a few things to consider. Would you both be comfortable playing with a single male or single female? (If you find a unicorn please send her our contact info) Or do you want to only play with couples who are in solid relationships? Do you want to set a specific age range or body type you want your playmates to have. Try and be flexible when answering that specific question. It may not hurt to fantasize with your partner describing what you perfect “swing mates” look like and what your perfect play session would be BUT realize that unless you are open to variances and interpretations you will most likely always be disappointed when every detail isn’t perfect.
So there you have it? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Is your head spinning? You shouldn’t. Relax, be patient, and take your time discussing these questions and the plethora of other questions that you will undoubtedly think of. Like we said write down your questions and answers if it will help you out. First and foremost HAVE FUN with every stage of your lifestyle travels including these talks because we can guarantee you didn’t decide to join the lifestyle so that you would be frustrated. The swinging lifestyle can be very fulfilling and enjoyable as long as you talk to your partner and answer just a few simple questions.
The Wildcardz
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You knocked it out of the park.
Excellent job!
Would love to hear your thoughts on the “HOW”. We get a lot of questions about “How do I get my spouse into this” etc. I have my opinion, but I’d love to hear yours.
Keep ‘em cumming,
John
I wrote Swingers Questionaire if interested. Email me at wisevirgin@yahoo.com
Do you publish writings from others?
Thanks John!
Since a lot of newbie swingers, including ourselves, ask How in regards to a few different quandaries we weren’t sure where to start. Plus it didn’t stick with the “W” criteria. However the more specific question of “How do I get my spouse into this?” is one we’ve heard quite often and decided to write an article about it.
Expect to see it soon.
Talk to you soon bro
The Wildcardz
i madly fantasise about swinging. i like swinging so much that i spend hours reading about swinging in the internet. it arouses me. i just love it. i spoke about it to my wife a few times. she seems to be happy when i talk dirty and swinging while we make love , that is when am fucking her. at times she agrees to invent a story at my request about her being fucked by another man. then after fucking is over she is quiet about swinging and i can’t understand if she agrees or not to swing. how will i know if she really enjoys the idea of swinging and if she is ready. please help me
Hi Sanjiv
Per John’s request we did write an article on “How?” and submitted it to the Nibblers. I think it might help you out. You should see it soon.
The Wildcardz
is it ok to feel a little jeoulisy during a three some or with a swap? also is it ok when your boyfriend and the other female want to spend time togeither once?
please help. i am for a swap just i guess scared .yes iam a little jelouis of my boyfriend with another women but not of losing him.
drdaw,
That is a very good question. Anytime one of the partner experiences jealousy during a play situation, there should be some concern. Some couples may feel a little twinge of jealously when first seeing their partner with someone else, but are able to quickly put it aside as they know their relationship is safe and this is merely sex.
On the other hand, if the jealousy is a little deeper than that and there are true feelings of doubt and concern over your partner sleeping with someone else then you should probably step back as a couple and spend some time talking about it. If this is the case, I would definitely hold off on spending time with play partners one on one away from your spouse until you both are more comfortable with the scenario.
Usually there are a couple of main causes of jealousy.
The first deals with security in the relationship. If the jealousy is rooted in fear of your partner leaving then swinging is definitely not a good activity to indulge in until you are both more comfortable with the solidness of your relationship. This is a reason many swingers you meet have been married for many years before entering the Lifestyle, because the ones who do not have that solid relationship usually get out of the Lifestyle or suffer consequences if they stay.
The second and somewhat less worrisome cause is the jealousy that maybe your spouses play partner is more attractive, in better shape, more skilled in bed, etc.. Trust me, if things go well in the Lifestyle you both are going to get to experience sexual situations with partners all over the range of the aforementioned qualities. The good news is if you have issue number one taken care of (fear of losing your relationship), then it is pretty easy to deal with these more superficial worries. I love my wife and therefore when I know she is having great sex with a person she finds very attractive, I am happy. I love to see her pleased.
The number one piece of advice we give any new couple is slow down, slow down, slow down!!! Very few bad things happen to couples who explore their comfort zones and barriers slowly. Most swinging horror stories happen to couples who were way over their head in a situation.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Mr. Gentlenibbles
(sorry for the long response)
I read this, then the comments, and I had to input my two centavos. The key to any successful and rewarding relationship is communication. Whether you swing or not! Before you should ever enter the lifestyle, you must first be able to communicate openly about sex with your partner. Believe it or not, in my experiences I have seen sooooo many couples who can talk openly about their feelings but still have trouble talking about sex when not currently engaging in the act. Your lover should also be your very best friend in the whole world, and that soooo often is not the case. I know that many of us first put a new couple through a sort of interview process. New couples should learn to do the same thing. As unsexy and unromantic as it sounds, it’s true. Noone wants to become a part of someone else’s drama. If you are having trouble bringing swinging up to your partner, perhaps the first question you should ask is “why is this hard to bring up?”.
Sorry to be a buzz kill, and certainly do not want to turn anyone off. Just, communicate with each other before you hurt yourselves. I hate to see potentially great couples destroyed by the lack of talk. Every single relationship is precious and should be nourished in the proper way, and if swinging is nourishing to you, WELCOME ALL!