Going out on a Limb – Swinger Says What?

A very common topic we receive questions about here at Gentle Nibbles refers to the viability of mixing Lifestyle activities with good friends from the outside “vanilla” world. 

Today’s “Swingers Says What” question takes that a step further by asking advice on the prospects of two completely vanilla couples who are great friends and completely entrenched in each others lives that decide to take the plunge into swinging waters together.

Believe it or not, I would guess that a significant percentage of Lifestylers began this way.  Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I had our first experiences with another vanilla couple.  At the time we had no idea where things were going or thought about how risky it was, we just knew we were having the time of our life!  The other couple never crossed over into the Lifestyle and don’t know that we did, but our fun times with them were definitely the catalyst that landed us smiling dead center in the middle of Swingtown!

OK, on to the letter we received:

Dear Nibblers, 

I’m going out on a limb a little bit here, but from what I’ve read on your website you guys are pretty cool about things and very interested in helping others interested in the lifestyle.  My wife and I are both in our upper 30’s and have been married for 16 years.  We were high school sweethearts before that and actually met at the age of 10.  We have been best friends for most of our lives.

There’s another couple that we’ve become very close friendswith.  We typically get together with them a couple times per month.  Both us and our friends have 5 kids and they’re ages are matched up pretty good so the kids play a lot too.  Anyway, we’ve gone on a few trips with this couple and we always have a great time.  We had a trip to Vegas planned for over 6 months.  Leading up to the trip there was a lot of banter back and forth about “what happens in Vegas.”  It started innocent enough but got to the point that we figured we should make a couple of rules.  They were created mostly in jest, but none the less, we did it.  The first rule was that no matter what happened, our friendships came first.  The second was a safeword.  If at any point somebody wanted out of whatever might happen, say the word everything stops.

Well the other couple talked about this among themselves and my wife and I didn’t really.  So, the first night we were there, after drinking and goofing we were all tired and getting ready to head to bed.  My wife was the first to call it a night and made a joke about which room she was going to sleep in.  That opened the door.  That night, her and our friend’s husband slept together and his wife and I slept in the other room.  Her and I are the more “adventerous” ones so it’s not hard to guess that we fooled around.  The next morning my wife was freaking out a little because he had tried a little saying that he and his wife had talked about it and they were ok with it.  He had totally respected the fact that she wasn’t comfortable and they ended up talking most of the night.

Well when my wife and I talked about, first I panicked and didn’t tell her that I knew what was going on because I had fooled around that night.  I realize now that it was a terrible mistake but I have some other history that plays into that decision a little.  I had an affair about 6 years ago.  My wife knows about it, but when she was telling me what happened I didn’t want to pull all of that back up.

Anyway, we talked through it and decided that we were willing to go forward with our friends and see where it went.  We established a couple of very basic rules to go along with the 2 we had.  We added a penetration rule.  Not penis to vagina penetration.

So there we were, totally clueless and starting a swapping relationship with our best friends.  Of the 6 nights we were there, 4 of them were spent with opposite spouses.

I have never thought of myself as the jealous type and have been very secure in my relationship with my wife.  However, during this week I had numerous breakdowns.  The 4 of us discussed things about every day and kept deciding to keep going.  After we got back, we’ve still talked about it and had a few meetings trying to establish how things were going to work.

I still have moments where I feel a little threatened by the communication amongst the 4 of us.  I figured I’d put this out there to you guys since you have way more experience than we do and see what kind of advice you can give us, it you’d like.

Are we playing with fire being such close friends with the couple that we’re swapping with.  Our kids go to the same school.  We go to the same church. 

If you’d like to know anything else I’d be wiling to share it with you, and if I’m off base in sending this, just tell me so, or feel free to ignore it totally.

Thanks for reading….

As always when we receive these letters we try to respond back pretty quickly because I remember how impatient we were for advice when trying to figure all this sleeping with multiple people stuff out, so here was our reply…

Hey Guys,

Thanks for the email, and we would be happy to offer some advice.  It is
the reason we started this blog.  We are excited to hear your story as it
sounds like you guys are in a pretty new and extremely fun place exploring
these boundaries in your relationship.

Your story sounds very very familiar, as we also started our Lifestyle
journey by becoming more and more intimate with some friends of ours.  You
can read a little bit more about that here:

http://www.gentlenibbles.com/authors/mr-and-mrs-gentlenibbles/

As far as your question.  Is it a good idea to be trailblazing this new
experience with such good friends who play such a large role in your life?
It is pretty tough to say.  First of all, as I said before, our first
experiences were with good friends and we survived and enjoyed ourselves.

But in reality….  It probably is a little more dangerous to be learning
and exploring all these new and potentially emotional inducing activities
with good friends.  Especially since those friends are very new to all
this as well.

The reason I say this is.  Many couples tend to have a rocky start with
their first few experiences.  They are still trying to figure out what
they like, are comfortable with, uncomfortable with, and what they find
absolutely unacceptable.  Often these discoveries are uncovered in the
middle of play situations or shortly thereafter.  Because of this there
can tend to be quite a bit of emotion and overreaction to situations that
can cause hurt feeling or embarrassment about behavior.  Normally this is
not that big of a deal because a couple will simply apologize and go about
there merry way.  Unfortunately, in your case that will not be an option.
So if one out of the four of you gets really hurt or offended the
consequences will be great and longer lasting.

That being said, if these are great friends and both couples take things
very slow and talk about it a lot, chances are you guys will be fine.

We now  have several couples that we have met in the Lifestyle that we
consider good friends, our kids go to the same schools, and we do a lot of
activities with.  We still play with these couples and often find when
couples really know each other and are very comfortable, the play can be
much more intense and enjoyable.

Good luck and please keep us informed on how it all goes!  It is a great
story and we would love to hear more about it!

Take care,
Mr. and Mrs. Gentlenibbles

Now I know it will not be long before someone might criticize me for not discussing the fact the affair may affect trust issues that could arise, and apparently already have, as they begin their swinging journey. I chose to ignore this, because that was not the advice they were seeking and I am working on the assumption this couple has discussed that topic at length and are OK with moving on.

So what is your thoughts and advice for this couple.  Surely the collective thoughts of all of us nymphomaniacs is more useful than the mere ramblings of Mrs. Gentlenibbbles and myself.  Please leave us a comment, vote in the poll below,  and let us know what you think!

Your humble servants of swinger nation,
Mr. and Mrs. Gentlenibbles