Going Out On a Limb (Part Two) – Swinger Says What?
A few weeks ago we answered a letter from a young couple who has been treading into the swinging waters with some very good friends. We had asked the couple to let us know how things progress and they dropped us a note last week to do just that. So we wanted to share it with you, as we know many of you are curious as well.
Here is the original question and article.
And here is the letter they sent us to update us on how things are going:
I wanted to write you guys and give you an update on our experiences.
Since writing you the initial time I’ve been scouring the Internet even more trying to learn and I’ve started listening to your podcasts. My wife and I have had some really good conversations about how we should proceed. We’ve become so much more open about things and it’s amazing. We’ve also had some talks with our “friends” about what we’ve been learning.
At this stage we’re living by the “communication is key” rule. We talk about everything and are making sure that we’re all comfortable with everything. We’ve had many conversations where the principal that we’ll only go as fast or as far as the least comfortable person is OK with and that’s working good too.
I think I figured out where a lot of my feelings were coming from. When we were on our trip and started playing, it was always done in separate rooms. I’ve discovered that by being in seperate rooms it wasn’t an experience that we were really sharing together. Seeing that a lot of couples only play in the same room has helped.
We really gotten together at all since our trip until last night. It started out as the typical “card night” but that’s not where it stayed. I told everybody what I had been reading and talked about how everybody has different rules and we need to figure out what we’re all comfortable with and what we aren’t.
Well, as the night went on, we were playing pool in out basement, guys against girls, and they started trying to “distract” us. That was the first time we had openly done anything in front or each other and it ended up becoming very hot.
From there we started making out with each other, all in the room together. We had probably a couple of hours of kissing and petting keeping everything pretty much above the waist. We were all within about 6 feet of each other and in plain view.
While the other husband had taken a bathroom break the play progressed to the girls making out basically on my lap, with me touching and feeling too. That ended up lasting about 15 minutes or so, when we realized that we had upset the other husband. We stopped everything and talked about what we were feeling and what was going on. He felt left out, understandably… So I insisted, as long as he was OK, that the girls reciprocate and give him a turn. After about 5 minutes of that, I joined in with them and the 4 of us made out like that for a while. The night ended around 7:30 in the morning and it was absolutely amazing. We talked afterward about things and made sure that everybody was completely OK and are all looking forward to our next get together…
Thanks again for your advice and for everything you do for the lifestyle
Well, it definitely sounds like they are making progress and handling everything OK thus far. We do want to clarify a couple of points.
First, those great podcasts they are listening to are provided by our sexy friends overs at Swingercast.com! Check out their website for a great swinger forum as well!
Second, if I did my math correctly he still owes the other husband ten minutes! 
In the meantime have fun and don’t do anything we wouldn’t do!!!
Mr. and Mrs. Gentlenibbles
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My wife and I are mature somewhat-newbie swingers who also started this with good friends. We’ve been sharing the lifestyle with our friends for just over a year now. Our daughters are in high school together so that gives us time to be together and then also time to be alone. We didn’t start out too fast but have moved forward to just short of same room full swap.
We have all made discoveries about ourselves, our likes, dislikes, comfort levels, etc. Being close friends has allowed us to be very open with these questions. For the most part, we have discussed everything along the way. This was an amazing addition to the relationship that my wife and I had. We had always easily shared but now our conversations were so much more intimate. I, however, have been surprised to discover that I am the limiting person in our four way relationship. I have discovered how tightly I want to hold onto my wife. I very much enjoy being with our friends and enjoy what I am doing with “Suzie” but when all is done I wonder how much more my wife enjoyed being with “Tom”.
As I said earlier we are not full swap yet and that is because of my hangups. We are always in the same room together because I need to be there with my wife. We use the 20% rule, but I still come away wondering: “if she enjoyed Tom more? Why is she so free to do that with him? How can I get her to ….. with me?” Sometimes Suzie feels my discomfort but has been very understanding. She knows that it is not my dislike of being with her but how I feel about my wife being with someone else.
I discovered your website shortly after we ventured into this lifestyle. I have scoured your advice and found that I needed more information. After reading, “Going out on a limb” I decided I also need some advice since we have also ventured in with close friends. I wonder if it is because we are so close with our swinger couple that I cling so tightly.
Your information and advice to other couples has always been helpful for us. Any insight that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
MiTJiM
MiTJiM,
It sounds like you have done your homework and have a good grasp of your situation, so I may not be able to offer much! But I might suggest these few things…
1.) As you have been doing, continue to take things very slow. Non-jealousy comes from security and in a rapidly changing environment few things seem secure.
2.) Talk to your wife and tell her exactly what you feel. You two know each other so well, you can probably come up with some ideas to help you feel more comfortable. Maybe you come up with a secret phrase that she may say while having sex with “Tom” . When she says this word or phrase you know between you and her it means she is thinking of you.
3.) Have a very frank conversation with your spouse about how she feels about “Tom” What does she find sexy on him? What does he do that she enjoys? Most likely your wife is having the first “alternative” lover that she has had in many years. This alone can be adding a tremendous amount to her enjoyment. Secondly, he probably does some things different than you. Take this opportunity to learn about something she may like during sex!
4.) Make the playtime a couple thing, and not a you and me thing. Interact with her while they are having sex. Instead of pairing off as couples have a giant foursome on the bed!
5.) You really need to change your view on her pleasure. Her having great sex is the point of swinging. It sounds like there may be some insecurities you are not conciously aware of. Spend some time thinking about it.
6.) If worst comes to worst don’t go any further. Stay soft swap or even just have monogamous sex with both couples in the same room! Still great experiences and over time you may find your jealousies recede some.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
~Mr. Gentlenibbles