A Vanilla’s Take on Swinging – by Rachel Lovely

Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I, since starting this blog, have been interviewed numerous times by writers, publishers, and students wanting our input and opinions on swinging for various projects.  The essay below is from a young woman you was kind enough to send us a final draft of her work and gave us permission to reprint it here.  Contrary to your expectations Rachel argues the benefits that she sees in swinging relationships and does a very nice job of putting her arguments on paper.  Please enjoy her essay and leave a comment on your thoughts and opinions about the article.

Beneath a Subculture: Swinging

Recent studies show that approximately 50 percent of U.S. marriages end in divorce (Yarian). While in my eyes this statistic says that marriage is more of a coin toss than a deliberate choice with predictable results, couples are still racing to the chapel.

 The question we must ask ourselves is, “what are the other fifty percent doing right?” Many relationship experts, including Dr. Susan Campbell, say the keys to a successful marriage or relationship in general are communication and honesty. Many couples split because they are not fulfilling each other’s needs in some way, whether it is sexually, physically or emotionally. Although communication and honesty are great qualities to have in a relationship, sometimes these qualities alone are not enough.

 There needs to be a combination of communication, honesty, and some kind of sexual or self fulfillment in order for a relationship to last; this is found in many swinging relationships. Swingers and authors/owners of GentleNibble.com, Mr. and Mrs. Gentle Nibbles believe swinging will enhance and maintain healthy relationships:

“couples with healthy marriages who are in the Lifestyle for the right reasons I would say have very secure marriages. On the other hand, some couples who try swinging to fix marital issues usually find swinging only worsens the security and strength of their marriage, many ending in divorce.”

 After being with someone for a long period of time, many people need extra physical excitement to spice up what would be an otherwise boring monogamous relationship. As a result, many individuals worldwide turn to swinging or the “lifestyle”, as many swingers call it, to fill the void that is missing.

 In author Betty Fang’s article “Swinging: In Retrospect“, swinging is defined as “the agreement between husband and wife to have sexual relations with other people, in contexts in which they both engage in such behavior at the same time and usually in the same place”(220). The most important factors that should be included in this definition are mutual consent, knowledge, and approval of the participants (Fang 220).

While swingers view their lifestyle as a socially accepted idea, the subculture can sometimes seem to outsiders. Within this essay I will describe swinging and discuss the opinions of both outsiders and people within the subculture.

There are various types of swinging within the subculture, but the main types are soft swap, full swap, and same room. Soft swap swinging refers to any type of sexual activity between couples that do not include intercourse. Soft swapping is usually the initial form of swinging for most couples. Couples who soft swap save intercourse solely for their partner as a way to keep “something special” for each other.

Full swap swinging refers to any type of sexual activity including intercourse. The majority of swingers are full swap swingers. Same room swinging is when couples engage in sexual activity with their partner in a room while others watch or do the same. These various types of swinging constitute the basis for the rules within the different sexual encounters. Rules may include but are not limited to: no kissing, no fellatio, both couples must be in the same room, and always use protection (Interview, Gentle Nibbles).

What defines a subculture; and more importantly, what makes swinging a subculture? To answer my first question a subculture is group of people who participate in the same activities usually different from mainstream culture. Swinging definitely fits within this definition. They have their own world separate from their everyday lives and certainly separate from the rest of the world. Swingers have personal meetings for couples to get to know each other. They also have conventions where they all get together to share ideas and educate themselves sexually.

Swingers have their own outlook on life different from mainstream culture. Many swingers believe that sex is mainly for pleasure and enjoyment and not as sacred as the rest of the world considers its.  One example of this is found in my interview with Mr. and Mrs. Gentle Nibbles:

“To us sex is just sex and sex with a lot of people is just more fun. It is like saying what makes cake with icing taste better than just plain cake.”

 The fact that swinging, described in the definition above, may be considered deviant and compared to “thieves” and “drug users” brings forth the idea that swinging is not morally accepted by our society.

Although mainstream society considers swinging deviant behavior, the act of sharing intimacy is slowly showing its face to the rest of the world with many interviews, up and coming reality shows, and books. Swinging is becoming an aquarium of sexuality because people are on the outside looking in to see what swinging life is all about. However, this is not to say that everyone within the swinging subculture is comfortable sharing his/her lifestyle with others outside the lifestyle, and they should not have to.

While the media is slowly wrapping its arms around the swinging subculture outsiders to the subculture tend to be very judgmental and closed minded. What people fail to realize is that swingers are ordinary people with different sexual preferences. While viewing an Oprah Episode titled   Secret Sex in the Suburbs I found that swingers could be soccer moms, accountants, lawyers, doctors and the list goes on. No one is excluded from this lifestyle; as on the show, your minister, girl scouts leader, or even your own parents could be swingers and you would never know. The secretiveness musters up some kind of excitement within swingers.

How do couples get into this lifestyle? While interviewing Mr. and Mrs. Gentle Nibbles, I found that not all swingers get into the lifestyle on purpose; sometimes it just happens. Mr. and Mrs. Gentle Nibbles were drawn into swinging by accident:

We were both raised very religious and pretty sexually prude.  Our adventure began in a hot tub with a bunch of ‘vanilla’ (non-swingers) coworkers.  At a party one night all the girls started taking off their tops (except Mrs. G). It really was a fun and liberating experience. We started partying with that group quite a bit and one couple in particular we got close too.  Before long we ended up having monogamous sex in front of each other one night.  It was a great experience we both enjoyed, after that we started actively pursuing those situations and eventually found ourselves in the Lifestyle (Gentle Nibbles).

Not everyone searches for the lifestyle, sometimes the lifestyle finds you. Author of the book Swingers: True Confessions from today’s Swinging Scene ,Ashley Lister suggests the same. From his research and interviews with people in the lifestyle he has heard many cases of people “accidently” swinging when opportunities made themselves available. He also notes that bisexuality plays a role in reasons for swinging:

“There are also some couples who enter swinging because one (or both) partner(s) is/are bisexual and swinging allows an outlet for an otherwise unfulfilled aspect of their sexuality” (Lister).

 Author Mary Walshok in her essay “The Emergence of Middle-Class Deviant Subcultures: The Case of Swingers” suggest that like many subcultures swinging sometimes is used to get away from daily repetition of everyday life (494). She also suggests that swinging is more of a subculture of the “new” middle class because they are not accepted by older members of the middle class (Walskok 494). In sync with Walshok, author Ashley Lister suggests that

“the majority of people become swingers not because they want to deviate from mainstream culture but because swinging allows them a chance to enjoy a lifestyle that mainstream culture does not normally accept” (Lister).

Although there are different ways couples get into to swinging and different reasons why they stay, the common denominator within all of this is the excitement factor of secrecy and of what is different.

Within my research I found that authors argue the importance or non- importance of monogamy in today’s society. Authors Bryan Weaver and Fiona Woollard suggest that although monogamy is the rule for traditional marriages today, motives behind monogamy is not always right (1). The authors argue that monogamy should be accepted only if people base their decision to accept it as a result of personal beliefs or religion. If monogamy is accepted solely out of jealousy then it is accepted for the wrong reasons and is therefore not valuable.

Weaver and Wollard argue the best and worst of monogamy. After reading about their opinions and thoughts of monogamy Weaver and Wollard would suggest that swingers’ behaviors are not “deviant” at all if swinging for the right reasons. Monogamy is not always the best route.

Along with monogamy come family relationships and stability. In their essay “Comarital Mate-Sharing and Family Stability”, both Charles Cole and Graham Spaniard suggest that swinging may be less damaging to a marriage and family stability than cheating. They support this thesis with supporting evidence from other researchers who have conducted survey research and observation studies of swingers.

The survey research was conducted with both married swingers and non-swingers. Researchers found that within “monogamous” (non-swinger) marriages 25 percent of the spouses admitted to having an affair and that their spouse had no idea what was really going on (Cole and Spaniard 22). Swingers were given the same test and results were significantly opposite. These facts concluded that because there is no deception in swinging relations and 25 percent of monogamous relationships have deceit, swinging relationships are healthier for family life.

Cole and Spaniard also suggest that swinging (co-marital sex) marriages encompasses more communication and honesty when compared to non-swinging marriages therefore providing a stable environment for family (Cole and Spaniard 29).

Along with Cole and Spaniard, Mr. and Mrs. Gentle Nibbles do not believe the lifestyle negatively affects their children:

We definitely do not feel that our “lifestyle” is any less healthy for our kids than couples who are divorced, socially inept, or practicing an isolating religion such as a Jehovah’s Witness or Mormons. We are awesome parents who love our kids very much and make sure they know it 24 hours a day.  The only difference between us and the neighbors is that instead of masturbating in secret to a stash of hidden porn or using a secret vibrator, we party naked. (Gentle Nibbles)

Swinging, although seen as immoral, can have positive effects on life outside of subculture. Mr. and Mrs. Gentle Nibbles’ children are loved and surrounded by parents who are open with each other and probably teach them to be less judgmental individuals.

 In summation, although looked upon as deviant and immoral, swinging is a subculture of open communication and honesty. It is healthier than what outsiders think. Rather than hiding their feelings from each other and seeking for fulfillment elsewhere like in monogamous relationships, swingers put everything out in the open with their partner. The deceit that is present within non-swinging monogamous relationships is not typically present within swinging relationships.

Although swinging can improve good relationships, it can be detrimental to relationships that do not encompass open communication and honesty. Many times swinging is not something that people are looking for; it just happens and they consider it normal behavior. While the rest of world looks down on this subculture, they might want to take a few notes from these people on how to enhance a relationship (whether it is sexual or not).

Essay written by Racheal Lovely

Works Cited

Campbell, Susan. “Saying What’s Real: Seven Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success.” Conflict Resolution for Personal Relationships. 02 Mar. 2009 <http://susancampbell.com>.

Cole and Spaniard, “Comarital Mate-Sharing and Family Stability.” The Journal of Sex Research 10 (1974): 21-31. JSTOR. Syracuse University Libraries. 10 February 2009 <www.jstor.com>.

Fang, Betty. “Swinging: In Retrospect.” The Journal of Sex Research 12 (1976): 220-237. JSTOR. Syracuse University Libraries. 10 February 2009 <www.jstor.com>.

Lister, Ashley. Email Interview. 24 Feb. 2009.

Nibbles, Gentle. Email Interview. 23 Feb. 2009.

Walshok, Mary. “The Emergence of Middle-Class Deviant Subcultures: The Case of Swingers.” Social problems 18 (1971): 488-495. JSTOR. Syracuse University Libraries. 5 Feb. 2009 <www.jstor.com>.

Weaver, Bryan R., and Fiona Woollard. “Marriage and the Norm of Monogamy.” The Monist 91.3/4 (2008): 506-22. Humanities Full Text. H. W. Wilson. Syracuse University Libraries. 15 Feb. 2009 <http://vnweb.hwwilsonweb.com/.

Winfrey, Oprah, prod. “Secret Sex in the Suburbs.” The Oprah Show. ABC Networks. Chicago, Illinois. 19 Nov. 2004.

Yarian, David. “Divorce.” Books4selfhelp.com. 25 Feb. 2009 <http://www.books4selfhelp.com/divorce-article.htm>.