Swingers Says What? – The Separate Room Dilemma
This week our sexy friends “The Wildcardz” are answering a question we have received from one of our readers.
The question is:
My boyfriend and I are thinking
about trying the swinger lifestyle. I think that I can do this but
there is this other thing that he wants as well and I’m not sure that
I agree with it.I wanted to compromise and only do these things with
other couples and do them together but he says that he wants to
sometimes do them alone with other girls and that I can do it alone
with other guys but of course I will have to agree with his girl that
he chose and he will have to agree with my guy.I just don’t understand, if he points out a girl that he likes and asks me if he
can have sex with her then why would he have to do it without me being
there? This is something that kind of gets to me a little bit. He says
it’s about trust and knowing that he’ll always be coming home to me,I’ll always know where he is, he’ll always tell me first, and if I
need anything he’ll drop whatever he’s doing and come right home. What
are your thoughts on this?
Hello and Welcome to the Lifestyle,
We asked the Nibblers if we could answer this question because when we first started in the lifestyle we had a situation that closely relates to what you are talking about.
If you were to read all of the websites, including this one, geared towards Newbies in the lifestyle you will see they all have the same message “Take Things Slowly! And Communicate with your partner.”
In your case it seems like you guys are communicating however you haven’t even found a couple (or single) to play with and you are already considering advanced swinger techniques which isn’t taking things slowly. No worries we made the same mistake. In fact we went further and acted on it and we’ll be the first to admit it didn’t go well.
When we joined the lifestyle we didn’t know about websites like Gentle Nibbles. We were just having fun with friends. Sure we talked and fantasized about the scenarios we had been in and those that we wanted to try next time we saw our friends but we (meaning all four people involved) didn’t communicate our concerns and feelings. In the end we jumped into a full swap separate room play situation and it went very badly. Lots of Drama ensued.
Now, almost three years later, the other couple has gotten divorced. We took a few steps back and realized that we were fine with everything that had happened and actually REALLY enjoyed ourselves however we vowed to take things MUCH slower. And we have. Yes, we have found couples in the lifestyle that we have done separate room play with but it takes a while for us to get to know and trust the couple enough to be comfortable doing so. Again we take things slowly and discuss everything.
In regards to your situation we recommend talking to your boyfriend. Explain that you need to take things slowly; That you are very interested in the lifestyle but want to try playing in the same room with another couple first. See how that goes and talk about EVERYTHING. Don’t say that you will never want to play with another couple or single in separate rooms but that you will need to work up to that. Take baby steps. You’d be amazed at how far you’ll travel when you take your time. Trying the run may cause you to miss a step and have to go back.
Above all Communicate and Have Fun!
The Wildcardz
wildcardz@gentlenibbles.com
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No matter what you choose, you must always communicate with each other, make sure in your mind you understand each others desire or need for this. it is something i have considered maybe in the future i will again.
Thanks
kayleigh louise
We just wanted to say great advice guys! The only thing we would add is….
We have found in all things Lifestyle, let the woman lead and things will take care of themselves. Anytime a husband is talking a wife into doing anything….it usually ends bad!
Mr. and Mrs. G
That’s a very good point! Typically the guy is up for anything (not always but typically). If the women lead the guys will follow. The Best of Luck to all of you
The Wildcardz
Your right, it does take ALOT of trust for seperate room swapping. I always thought the best part of swinging or swapping is watching your partener have the time of thier life and them watch you at the same time. But everybody has to do what makes them happy and very excited. Thats the name of the game…..
You need to communcate and start slow. Otherwise, only problems will get in the mix. Meet folks and go slow together before you try doing things seperately.
Thank you so much for the advice you gave concerning separate room swaps. We are new to Lifestyle and had the same question and concerns. A friend that we have included in our play gave the advice when I was trying to go to fast and my husband was getting concerned. He said to take it slow and it will all work out in the end. He was so right!
The wonderful people that introduced us to the lifestyle convinced us from the start that “same room” swinging would be the best idea. It’s been almost 5 years, and I can’t imagine any other way! It’s more of a “4-some” that way, and I would imagine more exciting. After all, you don’t have to wonder what’s going on in the other room, and you get to enjoy the sounds!
The fact is that few swingers play separately. Usually it’s situational – like at a party where people know and trust each other and the spaces aren’t completelty closed.
Based on our experience I believe (husband speaking) that separate play is generally inconsistent with swinging. Swinging is a couples activity to be enjoyed together as a couple. If you want to play separately I would suggest really thinking about why you want to. Is because you feel somehow inhibited by your spouse watching? is there some element of fear involved? Like what would happen if you said something in the heat of passion that offiended your spouse? Or perhaps you are insecure and are afraid of watching someone with your spouse who you may perceive as being better than you in some way? Or maybe it’s feelings of jealousy you are trying to avoid.
Think about it. My take is if you have a strong preference for separate play then you may not be right for swinging. If you encounter a couple who has a strong preference for separate play then yellow alert – do not proceed until you are sure there are no issues..
Just some friendly advice from ex-swingers.
Wow, just have to say that I completely disagree with much of what Steve said. One of my personal red flags is anytime someone professes that their way of swinging is *the* way of swinging. “Swinging is a couples activity to be enjoyed together as a couple,” sounds as restrictive as the traditional marriage vows none of seem interested in obeying…
That said, unless both partners have prior swinging experience agreeing from the outset to allow solo hookups, as the boyfriend in original question was requesting, is definitely putting the cart before the horse. Fantasies are great but the reality can feel much different so it’s often helpful to have the time to process new feelings and new situations and discuss them before agreeing to move on to more extreme activities.
Being one-on-one in a separate room is often more intimate than a same room swap — of course a reason some might find it more threatening. No distractions, no interruptions, connecting with one other person in a deeper way. If I could only ever do one or the other I’d pick same room but being alone with another woman is very different and very enjoyable, as well. And yes, it’s still “swinging” even if my wife is in a different zip code at the time because my wife and I agree it is!
In response to Dheights, swinging’s well defined boundaries and limits have been the key to its success. The intimacy you refer to is crossing into polyamory. Most swingers won;t go there. Good luck with that as very few have been able to make it work over time.
IMO the key is more that individual couple’s boundaries and limits tend to be well respected in the scene than that the scene itself has such limits. Steve’s cautions about couples into separate play can easily be expanded to cover nearly all aspects of swinging. If you and your spouse have decided to experiment with soft swap and you meet a couple with a strong preference for full swap then yellow alert! Proceed with caution!
My point, of course, is not that having such concerns is wrong but that singling out separate room play is silly. There are plenty of soft swap and same-room-only couples with issues — in my experience it’s not a greatly different percentage than for couples open to separate room play, nor those not interested in swinging at all, for that matter.
Thanks for the well wishes but I think the only luck necessary was our meeting each other 20 years ago. Maybe Steve the ex-swinger could use some, though — sounds like he’s suffered some bad experiences that have colored his perceptions.
I am considering expanding my sexual horizons with my boyfriend of 7 months with threesome/foursomes and I keep hitting the wall at certain visions: him kissing or caressing another woman. I have lurking desires for two men, but wonder if these desires should just stay dormant. I personally think 7 months is not nearly enough time together and I have deep reservations that this whole thing becomes the focus of our lovemaking and us as a couple. I think he has all these fantasies about being watched by a woman which I find a bit threatening, but it does turn me on when he is talking about them. I guess you could say I am ambivalent. It could make or break us. I am very adventurous, but only have been in one on one situations. Perhaps I have latent attraction to femails that I am unwilling to recognise?
Maria,
Personally, I think seven months is too soon. Not that the sex is bad or evil, but most course would not be ready for swinging.
Sorry just my humble opinion
Mr. G
My wife and i are talking about giving the adventure a try, when this question came we both agree that wed prefer to be in different rooms. A couple reasons for which include concentration and distraction. We want to enjoy a new personal experience, be able to concentrate on the moment, and not worry about the other having a good time. but in the end the preference was just what sounded like the best way for us..