To Bi or Not to Bi – That is the Swingers Question?
Today’s Swingers Says What article is answering a question from a reader regarding bisexuality and the Lifestyle. This is a question that comes up quite often and is worth taking the time to answer. So let’s begin with the Question…
Hi there, I’m the male half of a newly curious couple. I’ve noticed on several swingers’ blogs and elsewhere that there seems to be a frequently occurring attribute among swingers:
The female is bi or bi-nearly (sorry, don’t know the correct term). As truly awesome as that probably is, it doesn’t necessarily reflect our situation. My questions are
1) How prevalent is female bisexuality in the lifestyle? and
2) Would it become a noticeable setback for us if my wife is not?
Well Reader, yes bisexuality among women is very common in the Lifestyle. If I had to put a number on it I would say that somewhere close to half of all women in the Lifestyle participate in some Girl/Girl Scenarios to various degrees of comfort.
Did you catch that “various degrees of comfort?” That is important because it really says quite a bit about bisexual activity among women in the Lifestyle. Of those women who play in Girl/Girl Scenarios, probably somewhere around 25% are actually Bisexual. When I think about all the sexy women we have met since entering the Lifestyle who participate in bisexual activity a significant number are probably not truly bisexual but fall a little further down the bisexual ladder..
Bi-comfortable would be a much more accurate term for the women who fall into the category just below bisexual. By “bi-comfortable” I mean that they may participate and enjoy playing with women, but the core of their sexual excitement and enjoyment comes from their experiences with men. This group would probably make up another 25% of those women participating in female only sexual play.
If we even look further down the “bisexual” ladder we find women who are not “bi-comfortable”, but are not afraid of a little flirting, petting, and kissing. We find many couples that enjoy this level of play. Many women who are not interested in much more than bisexual flirting, enjoy the reaction they get from their husbands while participating in these scenarios.
All of this girl on girl mayhem still leaves out close to half of those sexy ladies who participate in the Lifestyle. So in answer to your question number two it should not cause a “noticeable setback” in the number of notches on your bedpost.
I would suggest being very clear in your profiles regarding your wife’s level of bisexual comfort and when discussing rules and boundaries with potential play partners don’t leave out this fact.
Isn’t it funny that in the Lifestyle women who are NOT bisexual are the ones uncomfortable about their possible acceptance. Maybe all this swinging and swapping is helping put an end to intolerance! 
Mr. GentleNibbles
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Mr. G. hit the nail on the head. Just be honest in the way you describe yourself and you will find plenty of couples that mesh with your comfort level.
Wow—thanks for answering the question so quickly! I really appreciate the insight. It’s so very nice having a “grown-up” place to discuss these things, rather than merely another “adult” place. You guys are awesome!
We had the same concern starting out. We were worried that we wouldn’t fit in. The Mrs. had no experience with girls, and while she was curious and able to appreciate a beautiful girl, nothing gets her hot like a sexy man. As it turns out, the Mrs. is comfortable playing with girls and enjoys touching and kissing them. She still likes guys, but the last time we met another couple the girl was really hot and she was truly looking forward to playing with her.
Deviant – oooh when you say it “hit the nail on the head” sounds sexy!
Jekeb – Thanks and we hope it helps!
Babyhoney – That sounds just like Mrs. G and now she is quite enamored with the ladies!
Why is everything so one sided. We girls can play with the same sex to our hearts content but if a guy even touches another man, even in the heat of battle, the couple is doomed to exclusion.
Hey Eveyln,
That is a great question and I even thought about including some thoughts on this in the article…
Truth is
For better or worse…
Homophobia is very strong inside the Lifestyle and couples with bi-men probably do find it more difficult to find play partners.
The only explanation (as shallow as it it may be) is as follows…
It is a very exaggerated version of the “locker-room phenomenon”.
Take any man who is mildly to severely uncomfortable with the thought of homosexuality and put him in a room naked with one or more other naked men. Any homophobia he came into that room with is going to be greatly magnified. Conceptually, I think this is what leads to the perceived higher incidence of homophobia inside the Lifestyle versus outside.
Homosexuality does not bother me in the least and I consider myself completely non-homophobic.
That being said, I must admit that I would have significant trepidation putting myself into a play situation with a couple where I knew the male was bisexual. I apologize as I do feel guilty for this, but can not help but to feel the way I feel.
Maybe if we had become friends with that couple and had built up some trust and the boundaries of no male/male play were made clear. I would feel assured of avoiding awkwardness and I could eventually get past this hang-up. I don’t know.
Bisexuality among females in the lifestyle is really not as prevalent as one might think.
Being a true bisexual (interested equally in both men and women sexually and emotionally), I have noticed in my years in the lifestyle, that many women click the bisexual box on their profile more or less cause it helps their chances.. or so they think.
Like Mr. G has stated, I think the majority of women are “bi-friendly”, in which they enjoy the flirting and such, but do not wish it to go any further. When it comes down to actual sexual play.. they prefer a man over a woman.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this, as everyone is entitled to their own preferences in how they play… just be sure to clearly state out what you are interested in, in your profile. The wrong impression given is never fun when you find out otherwise after meeting.
Mr. G – I’d love to see you have something on here regarding bisexual men in the lifestyle. Maybe even get a few interviews from men who are bisexual in the lifestyle and their view of things.
It is a sad thing, that bisexual women are greeted with open arms, but bisexual men are shunned.
As Jekeb says, isn’t it nice to have a “grown-up” place!
I certainly go along with Mrs. Discreet about not giving the wrong impression about your desires. It can lead to very awkward and unfortunate consequences for everyone involved. It really is very important to be upfront about your limits.
I think Mr. G’s notion of “varying degrees of comfort” describes things perfectly. Also, context plays a part – if the situation is right, comfort levels may expand.
As regards bisexuality and homophobia amongst men, my experience is that maybe it varies from country to country and with age in that European (except English) men and older men seem more comfortable with each other, at least as far as touching goes.
There should be more articles like this one on the web. Very well written, I enjoyed reading it. Greetings and thanks for sharing.
Sorry but your stats are wrong at least for the DC metro area, I have done a statistical analysis of SLS profiles and found over 90% of the couples characterized the women as bi or bi-curious. Look on Craiglist and you will find most ads want either single bi women for threesomes or bi women in couples.
If you’re a couple and your woman can’t be socially bi you will only play on the fringe.
My wife and I are both bi. We don’t so a lot of couple swaps but we do MMF. We normally get on average two males a year and have been doing this for about eight years. The males are told before hand that in order to play with us I will perform oral sex on them.
In those eight years we have found out that after I give oral sex on them that they drop their guard, let loose and have more fun in the bedroom. My wife likes to do a lot of things that require two males to be touching each other. My wife also likes to masturbate while watching guys preform oral sex on each other.
One thing that I find interesting with the males, after the wife has had her fun and she is done for the night. I normally find myself left naked with our partner, drinking. I found that they are more comfortable with me performing oral sex on them when the wife wasn’t around. More vocal and more willing to get into it. They are also more willing to “give it a try” performing oral sex on me when the wife isn’t around.
One thing that is tried and true, The male doesn’t realize how soft the head of a penis is until he has one in his mouth. Afterwards, from talking to them. They tell me that there masturbation is elevated from that experience.
For the wife and her bi side, she prefers it to be private and one on one with no males around. For my wife she makes love to woman and has sex with men, no making love with males just sex. I have been able to participate with her and another woman, watching and I have also been shunned from the room. I don’t know which was hotter, watching or just listening in the other room.
I guess it depends on demographic and region but in our demographic (over 50, affluent suburban area) based on statistics I compiled on a very popular swinging matchmaking site, over 90% of the women identified as bisexual or bicurious. Of course, bicurious covers a wide range of preferences including straight women who may have never done anything bi and just feel the need to reflect open mindedness but who don’t intend to do anything. I also think the majority of the profiles are written by men so it could just reflect wishful thinking on their part. But based on the labels in the profiles the numbers are what they are.
We are no longer in swinging but based on real world expeerience when we were, my wife’s identification as straight was sometimes a showstopper among prospective couples. Particularly at parties or clubs (group situations), the expectation was that women would at least engage in flirty behavior with each other. If you don’t you are preceived as being unfriendly. As I stated previiously thoiugh, this was among an older and affluent demographic. Your mileage may vary.
That’s a great response!
My husband and I have been swinging for almost 10 years now and the bi-fem issue has come up more than once. Back in college I tried being a lesbian thing, didn’t work. Since then I have come to classify myself as extremely bi-comfortable. I love the touch and smell of a woman and on and on. You get the idea.
The Mr and I have also talked about male bi-sexuality and I have come up with this theory: women can be bi curious, comfortable or full on and still maintain our femininity in everyone’s eyes. Bi women are still soft and sensual: what a woman should be (in theory). On the male side of things, we, as women like our men to be, well, masculine, the top, so to speak. In a bi-sexual male situation, the males, especially the bottom, lose the type of masculine dominance that is generally sought after.
Personally, we’re ok with a bi-curious couple but make very clear that there will be no MM play.
To Chris. . .thanks for the insight. My husband and I are very new. . haven’t even had our first swap yet.
He and I are both comfortable with my bi-sexuality. He also “loves” it when I not only go down on him, but also do direct anal stimulation with my finger during the blow-job. I’ve always thought it would be FABulous to watch him get blown by another man. Oh hell, honestly, I’d love to see him fuck or get fucked by someone;-)
Your description of how the other males get more comfortable might make this, one day, to become more than just a fantasy.
First off, I just found this site which is very informative. Having done 3′s, I am now in a position to do 4′s, and so needing to do some research into getting that started.
As a thoroughly biF since the word go, I just met a biM, so I enjoy this discussion here as it starts defining the part which is beyond my expertise – the biMM component. I had a boyfriend who now plays for the other team, and we are still close, and I have gay male friends where we have almost fallen in to bed together. The above comment from Chris is interesting. As we look to define how we list ourselves, my biM and I are looking to find the happy medium which will get him his bi fun, though maybe that formula for success is not a 4 but a 3 format. I have done MMF but not with MM play, but if my partner is into then I am very happy to go along – to try it, and to make sure he has full sexual expression and satisfaction.
I would appreciate more comments from Mr G, and any other responders.
Me and my wife still not in the swingging life but we love to be. My wife like to be touched and kissed by a nice sexy woman but she dont like to touch her . She allways said she love to see me get fucked by another man then after that I will fuck him …