The Rules of Swinging – Swinger Says What?

Recently a young couple wrote to us asking for some help understanding the rules and categories of swinging.  In reality it is not that complicated and every couple kind of does their own thing.

The unfortunate circumstance for newbies is when you are just starting out in the world of swinging, the worry about offending someone while being naked with them can be pretty daunting and keep a couple from moving forward.  Thus today we are going to discuss the basics of swinging etiquette and guidelines.

The couples email read as follows:

Me and my boyfriend are first starting out as swingers and we would like to know the rules and the meaning of different categories before we jump right into it all.

-New@this

New@this let me begin by saying you are starting off right already!  The logistics of swinging is easy, it goes something like you take mine and I’ll take yours.  It is the psychology and sociology that require some work by the participants and your efforts towards understanding these things will make your first playtime a much more enjoyable experience.

So what are these rules and guidelines?  Lets start with the basics.  What category of swingers are there?  What type of swinger are you?  Are you full, soft, girl-girl, etc.  The basic types of swingers are:

• Voyeurs-(less than 1%) This describes a couple who receives sexual gratification from watching other people have sex. They are not interested in being involved, but just to watch. There are very few couples that consider themselves purely voyeurs, but we have met one or two. Due to the fact it is going to be tough to find a couple that is going to invite you over just like to watch, be patient if this is what you are into. All lifestylers are voyeurs to differing extents by definition, but only a few limit themselves to this activity.
• Exhibitionists – (Less than 1%) Exhibitionists are couples who find their fantasies leading them to exposing themselves and/or performing sexual acts in front of an audience. Once again, we are all exhibitionists of some degree, but most of us do not consider this our only level of play. If you are a voyeur and you bump into these guys, make friends fast because you just found your needle in the haystack.
• Same Room Sex without swapping - (around 10%) A good percentage of new couples, many before they realized they were “swingers” start out having sex in front of another couple having sex. All of you hotties out there with hot tubs, probably know something about what I am saying! No swapping is involved, although there sometimes is light petting involved. Usually over time most of these couples move on to something more involved. This is how Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I got started in the lifestyle, although it was long before we realized we were in the lifestyle and the other couple is still “vanilla”.
• Ladies only – (around 5%) There are many couples out there who have no interest in having sex with other people, but the female half is bi-curious or full blown bisexual. Many of these couples venture out into the lifestyle to find other couples where the ladies can fulfill there fantasies. Often this may be done in front of the husbands who are fully clothed and watching, or possibly masturbating while watching. I am not sure we could do this if we wanted to. I doubt I could keep my hands off of Mrs. “G” for that long, or hanging around in a room where another guy is taking care of himself. If this ever happens I will let you know how it goes!

• Soft Swap - (around 35%) The definition of Soft Swap is the full exchange of partners with everything being allowed except penetration of the female by the penis of the male half of the other couple. A large percentage of couples start in the lifestyle this way, or progress to this after moving up from “Same room sex without swapping”. But as with the same room sex, many couples over time move from here to full swap eventually. Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I spent exactly “1″ encounter as soft swap, before jumping head first in full swap.
• Full Swap- (around 50%) Full swap is definitely the most popular category of swinger out there. The majority of people you meet will most likely be full swap swingers. This means this couple enjoys full intercourse among the swapping spouses without any inherent boundaries. Keep in mind many full swap swingers will still play with soft swap couples. They just adhere to the couples more strict boundaries during play. Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I consider ourselves Full or Soft Swap because we enjoy both activities. In fact, one of our favorite couples is a Soft Swap couple. So don’t be afraid to interact with couples listed as Full Swap if you are not, you may just want to make sure they are aware of your limitations before play.

There are also many couples who consider themselves some variations of these types using words like “situational” and “exclusive”.  It can start sounding alot like a coffee order.  Something like

“Soft Swap situational Full Swap unless the man has cuties, then we are a Ladies Only couple who restricts our play only to aboriginal Australians.”

The above was an excerpt from a previous article we wrote and if you are new we would like to suggest you take a look at it.  The point of the matter is that the Number One rule of swinging is:

Know as a couple what category of swinger you are long before you ever make it to a club, meet and greet, or party!

Well that about covers categories and guidelines, now what about those rules?  Well, technically other than the laws of the city, state, and country the swinging takes place in there are no hard rules per say, but here are a few tips we published in a previous article.

• Introducing oneself to a couple at a lifestyle event does not iniate some unspoken contract that ”play” will take place.
  • When first starting out couples often are scared to talk to another couple for fear of appearing interested.  Everyone is there to have a good time, enjoy yourself, and don’t be shy.  Just like you did when you were dating, you will notice if the conversation starts heating up.
• Flirting with someone in front of their spouse is not only OK, but a somewhat integral part of the process.
  • Now keep in mind that I am from the South, flirting to me is a pretty innocent and hands off activity.  Very few couples are going to be comfortable with you putting your hands all over their spouse within moments of meeting them  Behavior similar to how a single male or female may engage each other at a bar is perfectly acceptable behavior when engaging a new couple.   Obviously once you get to know a couple a little better, whether that takes minutes or weeks, more physical flirting is common and more fun.
• No matter how much time you have spent with a couple, how much money has been spent, or how high the other couples expectations of play, it is always OK to say no.
  • We have heard stories, and even have one ourselves, where new couples somehow convince themselves they are obligated to the playing with a couple.  Obviously, as swingers, our hedonistic viewpoint somewhat diminishes the “sanctity” that surrounds sex.  This does not mean however that you should let it devalue your opinion of your body, mind, and soul.  No matter how far along you are in the evening, if you start to get a bad feeling about someone or you find you are not enjoying yourself.  Stop!  Stopping because you dislike what someone else is doing or how they are behaving is not DRAMA, that is being smart and safe.
• An ounce of weird online, can be pound of freak in person.
  • You should probably be somewhat cynical in meeting people.   We have only met one couple that after meeting them we were tremendously disappointed.  There was a few times in chatting and emails that we got a negative vibe, but we followed through on meeting up with them.  When we met them, their pics were so old, we were a few feet from them in the bar and never recognized them.  We only found out who they were when they introduced themselves.  They also had quite a few issues.  There are plenty of fish in the sea (or in a swingers case “pairs of socks in the drawer”), if for any reason you feel a couple is not being on the level move on.  You can always meet up with them some other time at a meet-n-greet or someplace where there more couples are involved.
• You are not dating, playing the field is the fun part.
  • When Mrs. Gentlenibbles and I first started, we were always worried about what the proper etiquette called for when we were actively flirting and engaging other couples in front of couples we had played with before.  We did not want to hurt anyone’s feeling, by making them think we did not want to be with them again.  When you first start it sometimes can be easy to assume everyone wants to be with you, but just like you everyone is enjoying being with a variety of people.  That is the reason we all have became  swingers instead of a Mormons!
• If an interested couple e-mails you and you do not feel the same way, either ignore the e-mail altogether or really say “no thanks”.
  • There are some people who say it is rude not to email people back if they approach you online.  I do not see a problem with this personally; it does not bother us.  The key is if you truly are not interested, and you send them a polite email letting them know.  You need to make sure you state your lack of interest clearly.  When we first started we always sent polite responses that would be worded to let them know we probably were not interested, but stopped short of “absolutely rejecting” a couple because we did not want to hurt their feelings.  Unfortunately, either we were sucky wordsmith’s or there are quite a few people who do not pick up context clues well.  If you think trying to politely reject a couple once is tough try doing it two or three times.  It is much better in the end for everyone if you simply say ”no thanks”.
• Do not use the words “Making Love” when referring to having sex with someone else’s spouse.
  • To be honest, this does not bother us at all.  Where I grew up this was the polite way of saying “sex”, it meant the exact same thing with no other intended meaning.  For some people though, this is a term beyond having sex, and involves more intimacy and a deeper relationship.  We have found several husbands out there, that this is a pet peeve for them.  So feel free to use when referring to Mrs. Gentlenibbles, but you may want to avoid it with the general swinging population.
• Both husband and wife should be aware of all their sexual boundaries as a couple, and they should be set in place long before the boobies start flying.
  • It is very hard to make these kinds of decisions in the heat of the moment and there have been plenty of spouses who have looked up in the middle of action to see their spouse doing something they did not think was acceptable.  Communication is the key!  It is not enough to say you are full swap or soft swap.  As a couple you need to know exactly what you think the limits should be.  Be specific with each other is anal sex ok?  What about if the wife swallows at the end of oral?  It would be very selfish to be upset with your spouse for crossing a boundary you never informed them of.

If you are brand new to this whole naked twister thing, we suggest taking some time to read our New Swinger Guides.

I know this is a long article, but we hope it was helpful.  Some of you swinging experts out there give us some of you guidelines and rules in the comments section below.

~The Nibblers